Tuesday, February 22, 2011

It's only been...

*I've been sitting on this post for weeks. It first started out, it's only been 2 weeks, then it's only been three weeks, now it's been 5 weeks, but I'm leaving it at 4 ;).

I was just going to let it sit but I love y'all and want to be honest and open with you. There are reasons I haven't blogged about more deep feelings more often, for fear that a couple people that read my lil' ole blog would take things I say, twist them to be very negative, and spread it around to make it sound like I'm doing terribly or am unhappy. But I hope that won't be the case. :)

4 weeks... Last week it was: It's only been 3 weeks! The week before it was it's only been 2 weeks, since I pushed out our little big Littlest!! :)

I'm talking about what's going on between my body/recovery vs. my mind/state of mind vs. reality. I want to/should be/need to be doing __ but it's only been __ week(s).


My recovery:
Has been the best yet. Despite our sweet lil' (BIG ;)) love approaching 10 lbs (I still can't believe it!! :)), my recovery has gone very well. I was a sloooow walker for the first couple weeks, avoiding stairs as much as possible to reduce bleeding. I'm still bleeding some (not so much fun) and more the past couple weeks when I started doing a lot more, but overall I'm feeling really good. Some days more tired than others or little pain, but good. I had a lot of post delivery pain/contractions, for the first couple weeks, they say is so much worse with the third baby and after... they were right ;). I'm getting more energy back which is helping the next section below ;)

My state of mind:
I had my first big outing at a week and a half. I talked Hubby into a fam trip to Hobby Lobby :-). I had to walk slow and I couldn't last too long, but we were out and about! So, in my mind, I wanted/want to have the energy to do everything for the babies and Hubby that they need, reading, learning, playing, playgroups, storytime, playdates, etc., and that just hasn't been possible, despite a good recovery. Being tired, still recovering, and bending over a lot/chasing babies if needed/getting three babies in and out of the car/etc etc etc. would be a little tough. And I have felt guilty. Very guilty. Like I am letting them down, not giving them what they need.

In addition to feeling like I have failed being superwoman mommy, I've felt isolated (besides getting to hang with my Hubby) because I hadn't been feeling well enough to go out (except to go into one store at a time), and too tired to get all dressed and groomed to have people over.

And then I feel insecure because of blogging and twitter. My biggest insecurity is fear of rejection. Feeling like people don't like me. I'd been doing well with fighting off those feelings, as they come and go, but lately, not so much. And blogging and twitter sometimes amplifies those feelings. Silly or not - it's, mostly, wonderful to see everybody chatting on twitter but sometimes it's tough, hard on the ego, makes me feel unliked, seeing others get responses you hoped for after similar situations/tweets, seeing others' comment on friends' blogs but not yours (err mine ;)) (and I understand many reasons why :)). I told you I was being honest. :) And I've had my feelings hurt by several old friends again. I want everyone to like me. That is why I have taken a little more of a twitter and blog break for the past few weeks. I really don't want to focus my energy on being insecure about rejection. In addition to all of that, I want to run and exercise to lose all of this extra weight. (really I want for it to just fall off or just run it off in a matter of minutes ;)) Not complaining, just saying. :)

After talking with Hubby and my Mom, I was reminded that these kind of times/situations are momentary. Especially for the little ones. They are... little. And resilient. And they're so little, they won't even remember this time. Especially when everything is back to normal. I felt like this when I was pregnant with Little, I felt bad for being so sick... and tired ;) to do the things with BabyBoy that I wanted to do. And this time too. Some days are a little bit tougher than others, especially the days that involve more toy tiffs, tantrums, or naps that were just too short. :)

But the past two weeks, I've started to get more energy back, and even though I still have those feelings of insecurity, I'm feeling a lot better. I'm trying to keep on with friends even if I feel insecure, instead of falling back and being silent (hasn't happened as well the past few weeks but I'm getting back to it :)). I've been working on starting a playgroup (first one is next week!). Started back to MOPs a few weeks ago. We had a wonderful naming and party for Littlest this weekend (I can't wait to share pics and all about it!). My Hubby is wonderful. I've been doing more at home with the littles again. And despite the toy tiffs, tantrums, and short naps, the littles try their best make each other laugh, ask for each other to play, chase each other around the house laughing, sing and/or play instruments together, and they just smile. Cheesy cute smiles. And it is good ;). It is life. Those feelings will happen. Those days will happen. But God is good. Very good. And He has blessed me with more than I deserve.

Psalm 62:5-8 Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

{please disregard my double chin and goofy happy face in this pic, just look at the cute babies and Hubby ;)}

I'll explain this pic in the next post :) Blessed. Way blessed. :) Hugs fam and friends! And thank you for reading :)

*With all of that said, I'm still a lil' ;) tired and have post-preggy mommy nursing brain, so this post may or not make any sense ;)


Paul, Lauren, Witt, and Nash said...

Thanks for sharing and for being so honest how about how you are feeling. I find it refreshing, people who are willing to be real vs. "putting on a happy face" and pretending that all is well when it is not! And I can totally relate to how you are feeling on many levels. I am pregnant with #3 and have two boys (3 and 1) and I have been so sick this time around and feeling like a terrible mom because all I want to do is lie down and take a nap or cry... and well that's not possible (the firs part anyway :)). And my little lovelies have been waking up @ 5:45 everyday with a 3 yr old who stopped napping when he was 2. I feel like I'm in total survival mode with no end in sight. But on the flip side, I too feel blessed beyond what I deserve. Sorry for the "info dump" but I can just so relate to how you are feeling. And I too have huge fear of rejection issues and was just thinking about FB and how in so many ways it's like highschool on steroids (yuck)!

Anyway...I will be praying for you and your precious family all in this "settling in/transition" time and that you would be encouraged because "He has done great things" and that He loves you with a love that never ends.

I want to encourage you with some words from a wonderful hymn that touched my heart today:

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

All God's best,


Wendy said...

Oh sweetie, I hope getting all of that out helps you feel better. I can't imagine what it's like to have three little ones - you are a supermom for sure in my eyes for just getting up and making an effort to keep it all together each day! I'm sure a lot of the feelings you are having are probably hormones, but do realize that they aren't unlike many feelings we all have. I get down sometimes when people don't comment on a post I really poured my heart into, then someone who talks about nothing gets like 50 comments. It's really just a popularity contest sometimes and we have to just let it go. Get back to why we started blogging in the first place.

Praying for you and thanks for the scripture you posted. I needed to hear that as well this week. :-)

Clemson Girl said...

Thank you so much for sharing. You are beautiful inside and out plus very brave!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

First of all.. every single thing you are feeling is normal and totally allowed at this time. You just put your body and your mind through A LOT. People have problems with one.. you've got three! You are amazing!!

As for the insecurity, I'm with you on that one, but you have to remember that that's the devil playing with you. People love you and care for you. That's why we keep coming around!! You have to remember how awesome you are!

Take it easy girl. I've met your husband, he's awesome and he will do anything he can to help you. Let him!!! I know that's hard (another way we're similar!), but you can't do everything!!!

I'm coming to see you!! That better make you smile!

Kristy said...

I feel EXACTLY that way ALL the time about blogging and Twitter! It stinks, but it's true!

Hope you get more and more energy everyday!

You and your family are beyond adorable!

The Farmer Files said...

Hey there, I just wanted to apologize if I am in that lump/clump of IRL friends that has had twitter convos or missed commenting on blog posts. If I am, I am truly sorry, because my intention would never be to hurt you. I don't think I am, but I could totally be naive and clueless. So please forgive me if I am one of those folks. ;) Your family is absolutely gorgeous. I love your naming picture. You are so blessed to have happy, healthy children. I must tell you how easy it has gotten for me to get out with my 3 on my own. But I am only telling you that because I had your exact same feelings about being tired and overwhelmed for longer than I had with the other 2 kids. My body was doing the best it had after a pregnancy, yet I was MORE exhausted than ever, and I felt I could accomplish so much less. My point is, you WILL get there. It WILL take time. But in a brief time that now seems light years away now, it gets better. I have the same feelings about guilt, that I don't do enough, that I am not "enough" as a mom. But I think that is just a measure of how much you care, how much you really want to do the best at your mommy job. You are blessed to have a supportive husband and mom that you can express these feelings to out loud. I am going to pray for you and check in more regularly. Please know how much I appreciate your heartfelt and public post. You are gutsy, transparent, and forthright. Thank you for sharing. And once again, that naming picture is gorgeous. ;) Hope you frame it.

Erica said...

I haven't had a baby, but I sometimes have the same feelings that you are. Feeling guilty about not having enough energy to make a good home cooked meal for hubs after work, keeping the house clean enough, etc.

And I totally hear you about the blogging/twitter thing. Sometimes the good ol' internet feels a lot like junior high! I have completely avoided twitter because of this reason alone. I don't need another reason to feel insecure.

I'm sure things will smooth out more once you get your energy back. And based upon your picture, it doesn't look like you've got much left to lose--you look fabulous!

Sarah said...

Honestly, I was JUST thinking about you the other day! I was wondering where you have been and if everything was ok with you and your sweet family! Thank you for sharing your feelings! Everyone has feelings like this sometimes....just know that we all love you and notice when you go MIA ;)sending hugs to you, Mama!!! xo

Sweet Simplicity said...

You look so good in that picture! You don't look like you just had a baby.

Krystyn said...

Normal, normal and normal!

The hormones, the exhaustion, the taking care of three kids..it is all normal and expected.

Your honesty is amazing and you are really putting it out there...but don't be so hard on yourself. Having a baby is very traumatic for your body. It needs time to recover, and you being tired and taking it easy is just what your body needs to heal.

Trina said...

There are so many of us women who are insecure. Me included. I struggle against this like everyone else.

We need/crave attention and we just have to remember that as much fun as getting 100 comments {which I never have BTW} on each post its just not about that. I guess what I'm trying to say is quality over quantity. I tweet things sometimes that get ZERO response {questions too} but I have to remember Twitter isn't a substitute for a face to face connection. I can't read everyone's tweets all day. I wish I could. When I do get to read, I respond to the ones that strike a chord with me.

I know you know all this, I just want to reassure you that you are a true and absolute JOY to be around and we {those of us commenting today} are glad to know you.

I'll never forget how welcoming you were to me and how you made me feel like my insecurity {how ironic, no lol} was understandable but that everything was ok. Thank you for that. And thank you for your honesty today. HUGS!!!

Shannon said...

You don't have a double chin or a goofy smile! You look adorable!

Lauren said...

First of all, your family is beautiful...and second of all, thank you for being so honest. I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but honesty is such a breath of fresh air.

The Shabby Princess said...

Oh sweetie! Hugs. I'm gonna send you an email because I have like 550 things to tell you, but, just know that you are amazing, you are loved and you are fabulous!


Rebecca Jo said...

Glad to "hear" from you... been wondering how you've been since the newest addition! I'm sure you're world is just busy busy busy! Adding in the healing! Hang in there!!! It'll all fall into place soon & then we'll see the post of the next pregnacy (did you just laugh really loud?) haha!!!

Love the family picture... you look fantastic!!!

Lauren said...

Beautifully honest, my friend!!! Love you and seriously, just know know that you are not alone!!!

Olga said...

I think you are one amazing mommy, I just recently started following you and was wondering why you havent been blogging, but I figured you were busy with littlest and adjusting to adding one more. I look foward to your posts since I have two girls 18 months apart and one on the way! You are such a sweet person, thanks for being so honest and true. You are a beautiful person inside and out!

God bless! I am glad to hear you are doing a lot better =)

Becca said...

Oh how I love when people are honest. Seriously girl, I feel like that's one thing that's sorely missing in church and community in general is vulnerability. So thanks for being vulnerable! And I totally can empathize with your feelings -- every time I write a post and only get one or two comments I wonder what I did/said wrong (besides rambling too much and talking about nothing - I always do that) :-) anyways, I love you and think you're an awesome momma!

Michelle said...

I think you are amazing...plain & simple...and I'm so honored to be lucky enough to call you a friend.


Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

Its amazing the insecurities that blogging and twitter can create! I don't have kids yet but I still don't like the feeling of rejection. Even in twitter and blogging there is a feeling of the "in-crowd" and it can be tough to keep up! I want others to like me/follow me or want to be a part of my world but not at the expense of turning it into something I "have" to do then doing it because I enjoy it and that's why I started it. I cannot begin to tell you how much your comment on "seeing others get responses you hoped for after similar situations/tweets, seeing others comment on friends blogs but not your own" totally resonated with me! Thanks for being real, it's really quite refreshing!

Mandy Rose said...

I can only imagine the feelings you are going through right now with adding a third baby to your family! I will soon be right there with ya! It's perfectly normal to feel how you are feeling! And even more admirable that you are being honest about it! This too is just a phase and will pass! You are gorgeous and your family is amazing...but every day doesn't have to be perfect. Thank you for sharing these thoughts! I am sure it will come in handy when I am needing a boost in about 4 months. :) Love ya girl! Wish we could have a play date with the kids. :(

Following HIM said...

I love reading your posts. You are real, thank goodness, and honest. I personally have dealt with iffy people, in comments and real life, and no matter how you avoid it. Words hurt!!

So glad recovery is going well. It takes time. You'll get there.

Anonymous said...

You're doing so great! I don't have kids yet but I was older when my mother had her third child and I remember how it was. But my youngest brother is the biggest joy and I'm so glad that there are three of us siblings even though it's crazy sometimes! Much more love that way too! And I am insecure too. I try not to be but it is so hard! I try to remember to live for myself and my family!

daniella said...

Hugs to you, sweet friend! I miss you very much. I think you're beautiful and genuine. You're hubby and kiddos are lucky to have you. I'm sure they rise up and call you blessed when you're not even looking.

After giving birth to Davey I clung to this verse (can't remember exactly from which book): He gently leads those who have young. Love you! Can't wait to see more pics of the pretty little lady.

At home with the Howells said...

Despite what so many of my mom friends that had muliple children said, I found going from 2 to 3 was much more difficult than 1 to 2 kids. I don't think that there is a mom out there who has been in your place, myself included, who if she was being completly honest with herself would say I have had every feeling that you have as a new mom with 2 toddlers. There is a season for everything. You will not feel like this forever. Every month that goes by, life will start returning to a new normal with 3 kids.

Lora Lynn @ Vitafamiliae said...

See, the rule is, you are allowed any amount of crazy, all kinds of rest time, and no expectations for AT LEAST 8 weeks post baby. I usually insisted on 12. But you will turn the corner soon, friend. We always forget it, but we round the corner at around 6-8 weeks. Promise. Hugs! Love you!

Christy said...

Just recently found your blog again:) Not sure if I ever posted before, anywho I found this post to be oh so encouraging! Thanks for sharing this although it was a year ago. It's still a great refresher to know that we try our best & grace is always wonderful!

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