I learned to walk a little taller (while wearing flats :)), let some more insecure thoughts go, and gain so much more perspective on the insecurity that is trying to wrap me up and make me immobile to live as the best woman of God that He has called me to be.
I don't know about you, but I am one insecure woman.
I think that we all share that although each our major insecurities maybe differ. My closest friends and my close family know this about me but I am going to share it with you as well because I know we are all in this together.
Besides being an overthinker, an overanalyzer, and an overplayer of situations in my head until I'm sick, here are some of the thoughts that the evil one tries to plague my mind with... but by grace God has been slowly loosening the grasp of Satan on each of these aspects of my mind...
1. Rejection - Nobody Likes Me
These are the thoughts that ruminate in my head. I've said something to offend someone, I've said something wrong, I talked too much, I didn't talk enough, I talked too much about myself, I'm not as funny as she is, I'm not as witty as she is, I should have said something different, I shouldn't talk to her because she won't think I'm cool enough...
It's even silly things that I take personally like, nobody responded to my question on twitter, they must not like me... not many commented on my last post and I know they're bloggy active, they must not like me, they didn't invite me or didn't attend a string of my events, they don't like me enough to make the effort.
I love meeting new friends and becoming great friends. I open myself up quickly and I get hurt quickly. I have some great friends, who are real, honest, non-judgmental, and just plain wonderful. :) And I got to hang out with some of them this weekend!!
2. Outward Appearance
"I am not as pretty as she is." Which, for me, really ends up being pretty much every woman that walks by or of course is in the media. :) I compare myself to these women saying, my nose is too big, I weigh too much, I'm not toned enough, my smile looks funny, my makeup doesn't look as good as hers, I am not photogenic, and my hair isn't nearly as pretty as her hair is.
My husband will attest to these although he has been working on me for the past 10 years :) he is my knight in shining armour. I cannot even imagine how I would have continued to feel if my Hubby didn't address me as "Gorgeous," "Beautiful," "Hebrew Hottie," "Hottie Hots," (as he texted me during the conference, "how's it goin' hottie hots," haha I love him.), "Miss Tiny Tiny," (from years ago :)), "Weenst," (which morphed from tiny tiny, to teensy weensy, to weenst, haha, which is the name that comes up on his cell when I call him :)).
I shouldn't do that because so and so does it better. I'm not good enough for that job. What if I fail. I don't want to do that because someone might not think I do a good enough job. She is such a good mom, she does all of "these things" with her little ones. I don't do exactly what she does, as many things as she does, involved in as many things as she is, she is better than me. I dwell too much on my weaknesses.
This is how I thought before I went for the super competitive high school orchestra director position that I went for years ago. I thought I am not qualified. I say to this day, that it was God and people that He sent around me to convince me to go for it, I got it, and I loved it. I still felt like I could have done more, but we could always feel like that.
Here are the main points that I walked away with to combat every single insecurity from above. Not that I am automatically "fixed" and I will never have one of those thoughts again. But if or when I do, I can stop much more quickly and and remember this...
1. Insecurity is an idolatrous sense of pride.
What? I pride myself on not being prideful, haha, just kidding :) When I am insecure and thinking about myself - turning almost every situation back on myself - it is not only self indulgent, narcissism, but it takes time away from thinking about what I can do for others for God. If I let go and stop giving so much energy to analyzing myself in every situation, I will have so much more time to do God's work and focus on those that need the focus even more! And nobody cares as much about me as I do in those situations where I am analyzing myself, haha. Why waste the energy and time, when it doesn't do one good thing. Energy saved!
2. Live an exceptional life.
This didn't mean what I thought it did. Mrs. Beth Moore spoke on being the exception. The one. That you can be THE ONE, the exception, to do something when you think that nobody could do it. This was so powerful, and I have not heard it put this well before. "Nobody would go back to that place after what they did... except her." "Everybody is treating that person with disrespect... well... except her." "All women are intimidated by other women... except her." "Noone could pick themselves up after that... except that one." "Nobody could be happy in that situation... except for her." Be the one.
I know God is working in so many of our lives. And he can work in your life too. It is not an overnight transformation but it is a wonderful one. I hope you were blessed this weekend if you went to the conference and I hope that if you didn't get to go that you are blessed too! I can't wait to finish So Long, Insecurity and you should definitely pick up a copy if you haven't already :)
Coming in Part 2, pics, fun, and fabulous friends!