I have stuggled for a while with not being the, all-is-well-everything-is-great-nothing-wrong-here, kind of girl. I love to smile and laugh, I love to be happy, and I love to love love as Hubs puts it, ha!
I heard a great sermon a couple years ago about being yourself. You've heard it thousands of times before, you are great just being you. I've stuggled with this cliche. God and Hubs have been working on me for a long time (and He...and he...still loves me :)). Hubs tells me, reminds me, flirtingly pokes his sweet finger on the side of my arm, saying I love you just the way you are.
The pastor spoke that people won't ever get to know you if you're not honest, if you're not vulnerable.
I have been working on this for the past few years. I do not want people to think that I am fake by any means. I truly am sincere in my smiles, anytime I've told someone I've been thinking about you, anytime I've asked if there is anything I can do. I think I just got ahead of myself and into another subject too. Being a people pleaser/approval seeker.
My Aunt and I went walking yesterday and we talked a lot as we walked. I shared some of my insecurities, what I was worried about, which may sound stupid, but I guess it's not. Just legitimate real heart feelings. She repeated some of the same things Hubs has been reminding me about, I accidentally showed some tears, and we talked some more. She tried to get into me to not have expectations about anything, not in a negative way. But, happening to her yesterday, if you were supposed to hang out with someone and they canceled on you, instead of feeling like they put you off, you had no expectations so it didn't bother you. You'll see them next time and you can get some things done that you wanted to get done.
Though I didn't get all of the encouragement from an earthly father figure that I felt like I should have, all of the encouragement that I need is in God (but boy has He worked through Hubs). Man, He and he is the best!
I am doing so much better on realizing (ok that word just looked really wrong, you know when you write or type a word and it just looks like...some'n' ain't right) that I really am made by God to be who He intended for me to be (well I have a lot to work on, but you know what I mean). I heard it also put that God is the artist and we are His work, and why would we ever cut down His work...HIS work?
I've gone through times of feeling great about myself and the person I am and then I slip into my old way of thinking, worried about what people think, worried that people don't like me, and that is going to end. It's actually a turn off to people when they think that you're just trying to appease them or not being yourself. It has ended. I realize that I love my friends (and family of course) and that most of them (ha!) love me too. I am comfortable with that, and I am comfortable with being myself, no apologies (anymore, ha!) , no questions asked (well if you have a question, I'll certainly answer it, he!). Feels pretty good.
Ps 139: 13-14: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Jer 29: 11: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Last night, Hubs and BabyBoy spent some boy time together, playing ball and getting dirty outside, while I went shopping, whoohooo. Isn't it just relaxing to just walk around the store whether you buy something or not?? But I did get something this time, yay. I got an outfit from White House Black Market, a top on sale, and a pair of jeans, last pair, couple odd strings, I asked, and she gave me $10 off, more than 10%, just like that. Yes! You'll have to wait to see it when we get to go on another date, so hopefully I'll get to show it to you soon :) Let's just say Hubs really liked it, you know while still trying to be modest but sexy.
And, in a further attempt with being comfortable with who I am, we got take out food ok, so this isn't only time this has happened, but it was actually healthy people, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, he! The ice cream was sooo yummy! Sooo yummy! And totally worth it! Totally!